Falling

I've been spending my weekends lately hitting the trails up at Cougar Mountain. I've always loved trail running - the constant need to focus on the path right ahead, really live in each moment as you make decisions about what path to take, where to step, make sure you're understanding each step as you run, otherwise roll your ankle or wipe out.

I've been struggling lately with this ultra training. It isn't nearly as intensive and time consuming as Ironman training. When I'm finishing my long weekend runs, I feel like I've checked off a thing to do, but not like it really registers with my soul. I'm usually so happy when I finish a tough workout that despite being depleted, my bucket is filled. I'm not sure I really have that same feeling at the end of these runs this fall. When I've been at the mountain the last month, it's been a mixture of some enjoyment, pain, anger, dread, frustration, exhaustion, and depletion.

I'm not sure I am enjoying ultramarathon training. I'm not sure I even like it. I feel like these long weekend runs are making me hate mountain and trail running. I wonder if that's because it IS so uncomfortable. Ironman training this year was incredibly hard, but I knew what I was doing and it wasn't anything too new. This is new to me. It takes so much longer to run a mile, let alone 20 (which takes over 4 hours when I'm climbing 4,000+ feet). I get lost a lot, have been rolling my ankles way too often, and have been falling - A LOT. I've fallen most weekends. It's typically on a descent which does not help. But far worse than the scrapes and bruises is what it does to my ego. I don't know if I've ever struggled as much mentally than I have been on the mountain recently. For someone who considers myself a pretty great athlete, this sure makes me question that thought. After I crash, I wipe myself off, spit water on myself from my pack to clean off my hands, and keep going because there is no other option - there are no ubers to drive me back to the car, I'm miles deep in the woods with no cell service... It's definitely painful to run after scraping myself up on rocks and tree roots and earth. But it just wears down my will to push on more than anything. It wears down my confidence.

I know this training is supposed to be hard. I know that it's pushing my running strength further than I ever have and that it's not going to feel amazing, and that sometimes we fall and have to pick ourselves back up. But I am not sure that I'm even enjoying doing it. I kind of feel like maybe I'm only doing this so I can add "ultramarathoner" to my athletic resume. I need to find something more that drives me than checking another box.

61 days till the Deception Pass 50k. My long runs left to accomplish: 22miles, 16 miles, 24miles, 16miles, 26miles, 13.1miles race pace, 10k race pace, 90 minute run. It doesn't sound like much more to go... just really 3 more significant distance runs.

Maybe I'm just feeling this way because as someone that considers myself a decent runner, I am truly a novice on the trails surrounded by experts. Maybe I just have to remember that I will improve, as I have with every sport I've focused on, take the time to learn, and remember that there is a big payout for the work I'm putting in. And that, as everyone knows, you have to get back up after you fall. If this were easy, everyone would do it - I repeat that in my head as I climb never ending hills and strangely enough that fuels me. I mean, I'm literally running trails that others consider challenging hikes. I think I just need to be more patient with myself, take it a little slower out there, and remember that I DO love trail running. And when I initially signed up, it was exciting to think about how much time I would get to spend at the mountain. It is so beautiful up there. I have to remember how fortunate I am to be able to run for hours, in the most beautiful and peaceful place, exploring and pushing myself to new limits. That this is not a chore, it is a privilege.