Loss

When I suffer loss, I tend to internalize my emotions, and push myself in other areas of my life to distract myself. I try not to think about it. The first time I suffered major loss was my Oma. I was 16. She had had cancer for 5 years and didn't tell us. I found out 3 months before she died, when after a fall down stairs, a nurse accidentally slipped to my dad that they couldn't give her a certain medication because it wouldn't work well with her chemo. We spent those last months with her in the hospital. By the time she passed, I was so angry, devastated, confused, lost. I couldn't believe someone I loved so much wouldn't tell me we had such limited time. I would have done so many things differently. I would have called her more. I still have her phone number memorized. I couldn't cope with all of the emotions, so instead of grieving, I rebelled. I tried to numb the pain any way I could. I lost who I was, for a year. To this day I still miss her, I still don't think I've gotten over losing her.

Yesterday, we put Pepper down. She was 15 years old. She lived a long, happy life. She was ready to go. She stopped eating and drinking water, her liver was failing and had been for a while. I spent Monday saying goodbye to her and spending as much time with her as I could until we went to the vet. I know it's silly to be so obsessed with her when I have my own little puppy, but she and her sister Ginger were our family puppies. We got them when I was in 8th grade. Pepper was always rebellious, always breaking the rules. She didn't automatically love everyone - you had to earn her love. But when you did, she was devoted. When we got the puppies, my mom made the rule that they couldn't sleep with us in bed, because she didn't want that to be a habit when we went off to college. Whenever I would sleep in on the weekends, or all summer, as soon as my mom would leave, Pepper would sneak upstairs and scratch on my door, until I'd let her in my room. She would cuddle with me and nap all morning until I was ready to get up at noon. She got me through so many breakups. It's like, she could sense my emotions, and if I was upset she would not leave my side. If I cried, she would freak out. On Monday, she could barely lift her head. As she was on the table at the vet, minutes before she was euthanized, I hugged her, sobbing. She lifted her head, trying to find my face to be there for me. Even until the end, she tried to be there for me. 

I love you, little peppy monkey. I will miss you.

I don't really know how to cope with loss. I cried a lot on Monday. Yesterday, I cried 3 times while on my lunchtime run... while running. I'm sure I looked insane. I feel like such a wuss, but I'm trying to allow myself to feel the emotions, and that it's ok to be sad. Maybe then I won't hold onto it as long as I have in the past. Pepper, and Ginger, deserve to be mourned.

In happier news, Panic! at the Disco's new album is SO.GOOD. I have it on repeat. Love them.