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A Letter to the Addict in My Life

This post is not about running. This post is not about Ironman. It's not uplifting. But it's how I'm feeling and I need to write it down. And I'm sure this will resonate with some.
As we approach the holidays, everyone gets so excited to spend time with their loved ones- happy, laughing, fun, warm memories. While I definitely look forward to spending time with my family, I start to feel dread creep up as we approach this time of year. I start to feel anxious, angry, frustrated. For me, the holidays are a time I have to face the addict in my life. I have to spend my holidays keeping up stupid small talk, avoid bringing up the elephant in the room. It goes against everything I am - I am a blunt, straight forward person that has the hardest time NOT stating what is obviously in front of me.

I wish I could tell you, because I want you to know:
I am angry. I am frustrated. I am hurt. You are a shell of a person. Every day you choose pills and alcohol over everything and everyone you love. You have turned the people you love into enablers. You've turned us all against each other. I've lost relationships with people I love because of our stance on your life choices. It breaks my heart. I'm mad that I've let you affect me this much. I think it's because I've always thought we had so much in common. I see a lot of myself in you. I choose to channel that energy we share positively, and you've let darkness consume you. 
I think about you every day. Where are you, what are you doing? Are you high, are you drunk, are you safe? Should I call or email you, should I try to show you that I still care? I think about what she would think of it all. She would have never let this happen. I miss her so much too, I wish I could talk to you about it. How did we let this happen? How did it get so bad? Why can't I even look at you without feeling uncomfortable, when you used to be my favorite thing about the holidays?
Why are you so manipulative? Why won't you get help?  As angry as I am, I am also scared. I'm scared to get that phone call... I know it will inevitably come if you don't get help. Then what? Even though I don't know who you are anymore and I can barely stand being in a room with you, I don't want to lose you - the you that I know is somewhere deep down, somewhere inside of this shell. The you that lights up a room. The charismatic, energetic person who lives their passions no matter what the world says. The person who showed me that life is meant to be an adventure and fun... the person who I knew loved me.
 
I miss you. I love you. Your actions affect us all. You're breaking my heart. I wish you knew.
 

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