Skip to main content

Fear

He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life. 
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm not someone who worries a lot. It takes a lot to stress me out. It takes even more to make me angry. In general, I'm a happy person. Maybe it's because I'm fairly selfish and always make sure I enjoy every day on my own terms. Maybe it's the endorphin's from daily runs or yoga. Still, I like to think it's my disposition, or the fact that I try to look at the positive side of life.

However, in the last year or so I have spent a lot of time actively pushing myself towards things that scare me. It's very uncomfortable and unsettling to push towards those things. They're not easy but I figure, if I don't do things that cause me discomfort and fear, then I'm not growing. If I'm not both happy AND growing, then what's the point? I don't think my purpose is to just exist and happily float through life (which I could easily do). There's more to it. I'm more than that.

Starting this blog scared me. Exposing myself to faceless readers who would be able to judge me... not necessarily a comforting thought. Since it scared me, I decided it was something I had to do. I've found this whole "blogging" thing therapeutic. Sometimes I write posts knowing that I will never publish them - but I learn a bit more about myself with everything I write.

Ironman terrified me. The fear of conquering 140.6 miles was so scary, it dictated 6 months of my life. Obviously a great fear to confront and rise above. Every time I rode my bike outside I was afraid. I even crashed on my face. Crashing was my biggest fear during Ironman training. Cyclists told me that everyone crashes. I was so scared. I remember right after my inevitable crash as blood was pouring out of my mouth all over everything, I felt my front tooth sticking straight backwards, I was sobbing like a baby, thinking that this was it. My face was ruined and I was going to be ugly forever because of stupid cycling (I was not reasonable at the moment...) Luckily my teeth ended up being fine, although I still have glue behind my front 6 teeth that hopefully I can get removed next month!
My tooth bled for a full day after I had to shove it back into place after my crash.
I crashed. I lived. Being able to let go and move past that crash was freeing. I learned more about myself and grew more through the process of training and committing to one single race than I could have imagined. Every single workout helped me get past how scared I was and drove me to keep pushing. I learned my strength only has the limits that I set.

 That makes me think a lot about ultra's. Ironman doesn't scare me anymore. Thinking about a 50 mile race does. It gives me butterflies just typing about it. Am I a good enough runner to join that even more elite club? Can my knees handle that kind of mileage? Those are the things I ask myself when I think about becoming an ultramarathoner. I know that many Ironmen dabble in ultra's and have success. So why not me? I've started running home after work everyday since I can't seem to lace up before sunrise lately. Yesterday I ran up to First Hill and into Capitol Hill (if you aren't familiar with Seattle - think, both have "Hill"). I thought about how it would feel to run up mountains. For more than a marathon. Double a marathon. 10-12 hours (trail running is a lot slower). Made my heart race so fast I basically sprinted the rest of the way home.

 My heart is racing re-reading that paragraph. That says so much.

How often do you think about the things that scare you? Do you let your fear control you? Do you tell yourself you can't do certain things? Are you only living in your comfort zone?  The moments I have confronted the things that scare me are the moments I have felt the most alive. I will never forget how I felt riding the school bus surrounded by other racers the morning of Ironman... the moment I was treading water in Alta Lake surrounded by 2,000 people as they counted down from 2 minutes... I can even vividly remember how I felt at the starting line for my first half marathon 7 years ago. 

I'm craving that feeling of pure exhilaration, that moment your blood is surging and everything around you disappears except your one focus - the last time I felt that was obviously Ironman. What will it be next? I think I basically answered that in this post, I just have some research and planning to do.

One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do.

Song of the week (on repeat this week):

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Being a spectator: Ironman 70.3 Lake Stevens and 10 year reunions

Lake Stevens is less than 40 minutes from downtown Seattle, so Isaac and I decided to go watch the Lake Stevens Ironman 70.3. We had assumed earlier in the year we couldn't race this half Ironman 3 weeks post Ironman Canada and didn't sign up. We saw some participants wearing their IM Canada 2015 Finisher hats and were a liiiiiittle jealous. Would have loved to participate, but who knows how that would have felt on my knee, which is still hurting on runs post race (but my brain was wishing I was out on the course the whole time!) The swim start was in waves, which I'm assuming was fantastic. Nice and calm, surrounded by your age group instead of 2,000 people! Swim start So foggy on the lake! Coming in from the swim T1 and T2 were in the same spot. This portion felt like a normal tri - you have your transitions preset and have to get your run gear wet while you strip out of your wetsuit! I really loved having gear bags and changing in tents in two separate tra...
Post a Comment
Read more

2021/2022 - Pregnancy, baby, return to racing

WOW. So much has changed since I last posted in here. About two months after that last post I found out I was pregnant!  I spent 2021 in various phases of life: First trimester I was super sick and actually unable to even get much movement in! I don't think I've ever worked out that little in my life! Every day just felt like a struggle to survive. Second and third trimesters I was able to swim, bike, run and lift. I was able to run up until a couple days before I gave birth! I mostly ran and lifted - I hated biking pregnant and wanted to limit my covid exposure so I didn't go to the pool super consistently until the very end of my pregnancy. I spent the rest of 2021 fumbling my way through learning how to be a mom and take care of a baby! It was months of living in a haze of no sleep, hormones and tears BUT with all of that in the rear view, it was an amazing time of growth and learning so much. I had 4 IM branded deferred races from 2020 that rolled to 2021, then to 2022....
Post a Comment
Read more

2020

Since I usually use this blog for training and race reports, clearly haven't had much to update in 2020! This years' calendar was supposed to include: Victoria 70.3 CDA 70.3 Santa Rosa 140.6 WA 70.3 70.3 WORLDS in Taupo, NZ! Clearly, none of these were a reality this year. It's been a rollercoaster of a year but I think I've done a decent job with coping. I never stopped training, still keeping up an average of 12-15 hours a week. It's kept me sane despite everything going on in our country and our world. In the absence of racing I've picked up some new hobbies, one being gravel riding (thanks to Rosanne Kelley!!)! I am a SUPER newb but have had fun exploring some new places and learning some actual bike handling skills (which is for sure a weakness of mine).  Otherwise, I feel pretty fortunate this year. I'm able to work remotely for my job and have a nice setup in the townhouse now. I miss my work friends SO much but we've found some ways to spend time...
Post a Comment
Read more