Fear

He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life. 

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm not someone who worries a lot. It takes a lot to stress me out. It takes even more to make me angry. In general, I'm a happy person. Maybe it's because I'm fairly selfish and always make sure I enjoy every day on my own terms. Maybe it's the endorphin's from daily runs or yoga. Still, I like to think it's my disposition, or the fact that I try to look at the positive side of life.

However, in the last year or so I have spent a lot of time actively pushing myself towards things that scare me. It's very uncomfortable and unsettling to push towards those things. They're not easy but I figure, if I don't do things that cause me discomfort and fear, then I'm not growing. If I'm not both happy AND growing, then what's the point? I don't think my purpose is to just exist and happily float through life (which I could easily do). There's more to it. I'm more than that.

Starting this blog scared me. Exposing myself to faceless readers who would be able to judge me... not necessarily a comforting thought. Since it scared me, I decided it was something I had to do. I've found this whole "blogging" thing therapeutic. Sometimes I write posts knowing that I will never publish them - but I learn a bit more about myself with everything I write.

Ironman terrified me. The fear of conquering 140.6 miles was so scary, it dictated 6 months of my life. Obviously a great fear to confront and rise above. Every time I rode my bike outside I was afraid. I even crashed on my face. Crashing was my biggest fear during Ironman training. Cyclists told me that everyone crashes. I was so scared. I remember right after my inevitable crash as blood was pouring out of my mouth all over everything, I felt my front tooth sticking straight backwards, I was sobbing like a baby, thinking that this was it. My face was ruined and I was going to be ugly forever because of stupid cycling (I was not reasonable at the moment...) Luckily my teeth ended up being fine, although I still have glue behind my front 6 teeth that hopefully I can get removed next month!

My tooth bled for a full day after I had to shove it back into place after my crash.

I crashed. I lived. Being able to let go and move past that crash was freeing. I learned more about myself and grew more through the process of training and committing to one single race than I could have imagined. Every single workout helped me get past how scared I was and drove me to keep pushing. I learned my strength only has the limits that I set.

That makes me think a lot about ultra's. Ironman doesn't scare me anymore. Thinking about a 50 mile race does. It gives me butterflies just typing about it. Am I a good enough runner to join that even more elite club? Can my knees handle that kind of mileage? Those are the things I ask myself when I think about becoming an ultramarathoner. I know that many Ironmen dabble in ultra's and have success. So why not me? I've started running home after work everyday since I can't seem to lace up before sunrise lately. Yesterday I ran up to First Hill and into Capitol Hill (if you aren't familiar with Seattle - think, both have "Hill"). I thought about how it would feel to run up mountains. For more than a marathon. Double a marathon. 10-12 hours (trail running is a lot slower). Made my heart race so fast I basically sprinted the rest of the way home.

My heart is racing re-reading that paragraph. That says so much.

How often do you think about the things that scare you? Do you let your fear control you? Do you tell yourself you can't do certain things? Are you only living in your comfort zone?  The moments I have confronted the things that scare me are the moments I have felt the most alive. I will never forget how I felt riding the school bus surrounded by other racers the morning of Ironman... the moment I was treading water in Alta Lake surrounded by 2,000 people as they counted down from 2 minutes... I can even vividly remember how I felt at the starting line for my first half marathon 7 years ago. 

I'm craving that feeling of pure exhilaration, that moment your blood is surging and everything around you disappears except your one focus - the last time I felt that was obviously Ironman. What will it be next? I think I basically answered that in this post, I just have some research and planning to do.

One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do.

Song of the week (on repeat this week):